Dark Flush of the Sith

Alright, alright… I know I just posted some Star Wars BS a few days ago… but between revisiting that project and stirring the potpourri in my fevered brain while considering ideas for a story on “Shitty” jobs, I got this little nugget caught in my mental plumbing. Nothin’ fancy, quick little ditty, but I think it’s pretty funny for a mad dash of a ‘story’.




A.R. Howerton

From the desk of:

Janine Mothma, HR Sector 12, Block 46 Rebel Alliance SWU.

Re: Applicant Interview – Position RSS Level 3, Waste Management – HQ  Arbra Base

Applicant: Genevus Fervo Ozzel

Work Experience: 10 years with Light-Snake Droid Drainage Services, Coruscant
5 years independent contractor,  Imperial Navy – Death Star I
3 years independent contractor, Imperial Navy – SSD ‘Executor’
Transcript of personal interview follows:

JM – “Good morning Mr… Ozzel? I’m Janine Mothma”

GO – “Call me Gene.”

JM – “Gene.  So why do you want to defect to the Alliance, Gene?”

GO – “Well, it’s not really defecting, is it? I mean, I’m just a contractor…”

JM – “A contractor for the Galactic Empire.”

GO – “Everybody makes mistakes, right?”
(Nervous laughter)

JM – “What was your capacity on the Super Star Destroyer ‘Executor’?”

GO – “Capacity? I’m in waste management. My capacity was cleaning up after 1, 700 stormtroopers and Navy enlisted. Not to mention that prick Vader and his ‘guests’.”

JM – “Excuse me?”

GO – “Sorry. I get a little riled up about that guy.”

JM – “I meant about the ‘guests’, Mr. Ozzel.”

GO – “Gene. Yeah, Vader’s always bringing up dignitaries and big-shots. He likes to show off and brag about his private destroyer. Acts like it’s a yacht or something. Big parties with real scumbags. Last week he had some ugly space-slug of a Hutt up there. Some mucky-muck from Tatooine. Showed up with this big entourage of bounty hunters and call-girls. Had a whole pile of Gamorreans with them too. Have you ever seen what a Gamorrean can do to standard space plumbing?”

JM – “I’m sure it’s very unpleasant. How is it that you are aware of these ‘guests’ of Lord Vader’s?”

GO – “Seems like a big place, but even a Super Star Destroyer is a pretty small world. Everybody talks about everything. Gossip is probably the third most popular pastime. And most of the guys I know, grew up with, they’re all officers now. Me, I got screwed over. My uncle Kendal…”

JM – “Kendal… Ozzel? Admiral Kendal Ozzel? Was your uncle? You should have mentioned that in your application. I don’t know if we can…”

GO –
“Woah, woah, woah! He was my uncle. Past tense. He had put in a good word for me and I was supposed to come in as a supervisor in garbage disposal. Then that jag Vader killed him after that whole ice planet fiasco. Soon as Vader got rid of my uncle, he busted me down to the lowest post on board and had me in sewage. Dark Lord of the Peckerheads! You know that guy waits til he knows we’re down there. We dispatch memos, send out mass communications to detail what sectors we’re working in… there’s signs everywhere… and he’s supposed to have that mojo-jojo hoodoo-juju dark side of the whatever bullshit, right? He knows we’re down there working… I’ve heard him up in his quarters, taking off his suit, chuckling with his helmet still on… ‘kheeee-kho kheeek-kho he-he-he-he kho’… then the big jerk shits out a whole Mynock on our heads.”

JM – “You sound quite disgruntled. Still, with such high connections in the…”

GO – “Connections? Only connection I’ve got is washing Vader’s Bantha poodoo out of my hair. One of the guys told me that he specifically requested that they send me into the lower 19th quadrant last week so that he could dump a whole tank of Hutt sludge on me. It’s a nightmare!”

(60 second pause in conversation. Sound of papers shuffled. Primary recording device deactivated.)

(Secondary recorder automatic activation on voice recognition)

JM – “Nepotism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, is it?”

GO – “Not from where I’ve been wading.”

JM – “You know, my mother  put  me in this job. She’s the supreme whatever, savior of the universe, blah blah blah… Never shuts up about it.  As if I wouldn’t be happier married to some investment banker on Aargau, sneaking off to shop on Cato Neimoidia instead of being stuck out here in a rat-hole in the middle of nowhere.”

GO – “Riiiight… Mothma… I didn’t catch that at first. That must suck, being the daughter of the big shot…”

JM – “I mean, 20 years ago, Mom was a senator, we lived on Coruscant and we had everything! Then she decided to start a rebellion and the whole family has to get dragged around the universe.”

GO – “Exactly! We had, like, 20 servants in our house on Carida. Then my mother married some shifty cloud miner and sent me off to live with my idiot uncle on Shelkonwa. Next thing you know, I’m dumped off at the Imperial Naval Academy and getting my butt kicked by wannabe stormtroopers for the next 5 years.  Families suck.”

(Momentary pause in conversation)

GO – “Ah well, we all do what we can  Can I ask you something?”

JM – “Why not.”

GO – “Vader’s had a bug up his ass about some kid named Skykicker or Cloudtalker or something… Is it true that it’s his son? I guess the Emperor is absolutely furious over this kid blowing up the Death Star and Vader’s ass is on the line… big time!”

JM – “Is it now? I hadn’t heard that story. I hear about him all the time. Of course it’s all I ever hear from that stuck-up bitch Leia Organa. ‘Luke this, Luke that’… blerrrrgh. Mr. Dreamy! Enough already. Y’know?”

GO – “Oh yeah, it’s all the officers talk about lately. You’d think it was the Geonosian gladiator games or something. It’s ridiculous. Though it is nice to think that somebody is giving that shovel-headed A-hole some grief.”

JM – “Well, let’s get something on paper before we get carried away trading secrets, shall we?”

(Primary recording device re-activated)

JM – “Everything seems in order here, Mr. Ozzel. You’ll start in drainage and waterworks on our secret base on  Clak’dor VII, in the Colu system, Mayagil sector…”

GO – “Aren’t all the bases ‘secret’?”
(Shared laughter)

JM – “You’ll be at pay level 7 and receive standard benefits and leave time. Just sign here.”

GO – “I just wish I could see the look on the ol’ Dark Lord’s face when he see’s my resignation notice on his desk…”

JM – “You didn’t…”

GO – “Oh no, I didn’t mention anything to anyone about this. Just left him a little present. Courtesy of his Gamorrean pals…”

JM – “You are terrible! That is just nasty! Remind me not to get on your bad side, Mr. Ozzel.”

GO – “I told you, call me Gene.”

JM – “Well, thanks for coming in Gene, it was very nice to meet you. Glad we can get you out from under the Empire’s… thumb.”
(Shared laughter)

(Primary recording device deactivated. Interview terminated.)

*** STAR WARS and its characters and terminology are TM & © Lucasfilm Ltd. This work of fiction is intended purely as satire.***

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One thought on “Dark Flush of the Sith”

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